Why Divorce Happens

The first question after hearing that my parents were getting a divorce was “why?’  At the time they gave me the run-of-the-mill answer of, “it’s not you, it’s us, we just don’t love each other anymore.”  I knew from the tone of their voice that they were serious in their prognosis of lost love but I also knew that their answer was still lost to them.

As the years went by I started to see more of the world and learn more about why people make the decisions they do.  Even from a very early age I was aware of the choices people were making around me, whether it be the type of job they held or who it was they were dating, I was always paying attention.  The truth is that kids are the most observant they’ll ever be from the ages of 1-13.  If you think about what I just said you’ll see why it’s the truth.  From birth until 13 we’re forming how we look at world and how we fit in it.  It’s not until those awkward teenage years really kick in that we start questioning our place in society and the greater world around us.  Those  early years in particular are integral in the health and wealth of a child’s worldview for the rest of his or her life.  From birth we start learning by viewing what’s happening around us.  We even start learning how to speak to one another from the words that are spoken around us; in essence, we’re all sponges of our surroundings starting the day we’re conceived until the day we start interacting as individuals which seems to take place just about the time that being a teenager is a real thing.

As time moves along and we start to age there’s a period of time where we take what we know and have learned and we start applying it.  These application years are normally between the ages of 12-16.  What we quickly find out as people is what works best for us and what doesn't, and effortlessly adjust to these findings accordingly; quite naturally actually.  There’s one problem though if you come from a divorced household, your view of love and romance has been shattered and left wide-open to outside of the household influence.  The influences for kids are normally found on the television, which as we all know is not the best place to be learning how to be functioning humans in society.  Since children of divorce are without the role-model of a stable family unit we are all left to fend for ourselves in this vicious arena of the romantic world.  We’ll come full circle to this point again before we end this chapter.

If you understand the fact that we learn naturally from our environment as children then you will eventually come to the conclusion that life can be cyclical because of it.  If I’m a child and I see my parents fall out of love,”(I use this term “fall out of love” because I think it’s silly that people say we’re not in love anymore, it’s more along the effect that two individuals who should have never married one another in first place just now understand the horrible decision they made) making that the basis for my views on love, then doesn't it make sense that I’ll most likely carry that residue with me into my new relationships as I age?  Humans are replicators of past, learned behavior, especially behavior learned at an early age.

The meat of this chapter will deal with where I think the real problem lies with divorce, and the answer may surprise you.  It’s not divorce that is the problem; it has more to do with not understanding our personal potential as people before we enter into a marriage in the first place that poses the biggest challenge to overcome.

Divorce is not the real problem here, it’s the quality of marriages and the reasons behind their inception that needs to be examined closer.

The problem that our nation faces is not the epidemic of divorce, but one of far greater significance: we've lost our will to be perfectly who we are before we invite others into our circle of trust.  Think about it for a second, how many people do you know that truly know who they are and how that relates to the world around them?  How many people do you know that follow their hearts and live their passions out loud? Now, I want you to know ask yourself how many people you know that are not perfectly happy in their marriages.  I bet you are like me and can count many more people you know who aren't happy in their marriages than those who are perfectly content in knowing precisely who they are as individuals.

It’s paramount to know yourself inside and out and accept your flaws and your short comings and praise your life because of them, before you can ever hope to invite another person to share in the most intimate details of your everyday life.  If you don’t know who you are and why you’re here, which are both very personal and identifiable questions with answers, how can you accept that you’ll ever be complete enough to fill another’s void?  If you still hold onto questions about your purpose in life it will be very hard to help answer someone else’s questions about why they’re on this earth.  In order to ever consider marrying another person I would highly recommend loving yourself so much for who you are that the reason you’re getting married is so that you can live out your highest ideals and beliefs about your capability to love.  If you so choose otherwise your life could turn out to be very difficult at times.

Enter into a marriage because you each compliment the other seamlessly, and enter into a marriage that is founded in friendship and trust as the main pillars.  Poorly planned marriage is the problem in my mind, not divorce.  I’m not attacking the institution of marriage, I’m more or less pointing out that some people, quite a few actually, should never get married in the first place.  There are people all over the world entering into marriages to try and fill some void they have, or for financial reasons, or because they want a child, or for any myriad of reasons, with the result almost always now ending in a divorce.  I firmly believe that if you enter into a marriage before you love yourself more than anything around you you’ll be making the biggest mistake of your life.  When you love yourself unconditionally you start to realize that everyone else around you is the same as you are, human, and when this hits your mental processes you begin to want to share your love with other people.  The universe has a beautiful way of giving you exactly what it is you want most, so why not want to be totally loving and build a marriage on that principal?  Our building blocks of marriage are eroding because we’re not properly preparing for the storms that threaten to break them down.  If you love yourself totally and supremely you’ll know what you stand for and you’ll know what you’re capable of.  You’ll know if you’re someone who would cheat or not, you know if you’re someone who wants kids or not, you’ll know how important financials are to you, and you’ll know how you’d react to whatever hardships will face your way as you and your partner enter into a life-bond forever with one another.  You have to know what you’re made of before you enter the ring, not before, and it’s not until you enter that ring that you can be tested on your highest beliefs about yourself.  The ring of marriage is no different than the boxing ring.  Boxers don’t train before a fight as a coincidence, they do so because they need to be the best prepared they can be for the opponent they will face.  They train for success and the fight take care of itself.

Why then do we not train the same way for the biggest choice in our life, whether to get married or not? 

In no way do I want you think that I’m against marriage, that couldn't be further from the truth, however, I am against a baseless marriage where two people join for reasons other than a partnership rooted in love and truth. 

How many people do you know that hide things from their spouses?  How many of you reading this right now hide something form your spouse?  The answer is: too many!  I’m not condemning that, I’m here to tell you that it’s okay to forgive yourself for poor choices and it’s okay to share those findings with your significant other.  If you enter into a marriage while hiding things, or you remain in a marriage where you hide things form one another, is there really trust there?  Trust is one of the building blocks of successful marriages, so is love, and so is forgiveness.  If you love yourself above all other things before you get married you’ll know that when your spouse does something to offend you that it’s not that big of a deal, mainly because you’re complete in who you are and thankful to share that whole person with your partner even when things get hard.  All blessings flow out of love and all things in life point back to it as well, love is the key ingredient in any marriage.  I’m not talking so much about the love of another person but the love for the self which will spill over effortlessly onto your husband or wife. 

By loving yourself first you realize that you are love, and when you realize this quintessential fact about your existence it will be much easier to forgive another person and to move on from any though situation. 

We have three, main, building blocks that will build a strong marriage: Love, trust, and forgiveness.  Isn't it beautiful that those three things all fall in line with the golden rule?  Think about it, because you love yourself first you’re able to better love another, to trust another, and most importantly to forgive the other when they fall short.  Don’t we all want love, trust, and forgiveness in a marriage or union?  “Treat others as you would have them treat you,” ring any bells?

So as I wrap this chapter up I want to bring back to light the idea of learning from our surroundings as a child and the weight of carrying that residue with you through your life.  If as a child I see my parents divorce from one another I’ll have a 50/50 chance of doing the same thing as an adult.  But instead, if we as adults can start truly loving ourselves more before we attempt to love another person for the rest of our life, maybe less marriages will fail and the bell curve of divorce will start to flatten out.  All of life carries with it momentum, the pendulum swings in both directions, so if we can slow the pendulum down by fixing what’s broken when entering into a marriage we’ll at least give the next generation of kids a fighting chance to make up their own mind regarding the sanctity of marriage without divorce’s momentum playing a factor in their psyches.  Let’s stop the circle of life where divorce is concerned, by choosing marriage as the union of two souls because love is all that’s present in the union.  Let’s get away from making basic decisions as to why marriage is best ie. financially, maternal reasons, sexual compatibility etc.  Let’s turn away from outside reasons and let us look more inside for the answers as to why we desire to marry another individual.  Until you love yourself you’ll never be able to fully love another person through marriage. 

The Great Epidemic

YouTube: The Great Epidemic

The title of this post refers to what I believe is the greatest epidemic facing our nation and the world around us…  the lack of a proper, father figure for young men.

Grant me the time to explain and I think you will also share in the sentiment that this problem is an epidemic that’s spreading as far as the East is from the West.

In every pocket of America we see the lack of leadership, from the small town to the current state of politics in America.  As a nation we’re sorely lacking in the character department and we’re paying the price for that lacking every day in ways you might not even pay attention to.

When talking about such a unique problem as that of “lack-of-a-father-syndrome” or LOAFS for short, I think it best to define what a father is in modern times and juxtapose that with the definition that boys all over America would be able to produce in their own worlds today. 

I just came up with the name LOAFS but I think it oddly fits the ballot of possible choices because it produces just what the name says, loafs.  We are a nation now of underachieving men who look to pass blame onto others for our lack of character and willingness to achieve goals.  As men, we have forgotten that hard work and discipline go along with achieving our goals. 

Our Congress and Senate are a perfect example of this issue.  Somewhere along the way those who represent the people have lost touch with what really matters in this nation, and what matters is representing the interest of the people and providing quality leadership.  As far as role models go I’m not sure there are many cases of proper leadership found among the lot of them. 

I am one person that is sick and tired of the excuses both branches of legislation make for why nothing gets done.  I think most men elected to public office these days take office not because they believe it’s their civic duty or because they have the heart of their constituents in mind, no, I think most men run for office to further their hidden agendas.  This mindset for neglect of the masses that elected these individuals stems directly from the lack of proper role models and father figure’s in their life who would have instilled a sense of righteousness in those who do the voting and in those who are voted for.

I want to give you a portrayal of what I believe an elected official should look like: He or she should be a person from the area he/she represents and should have a strong tie to the community at large.  He/she should be a person who is unwavering in his/her moral compass and who leads for the people because he/she was the best voice for their people.  Instead we have too many people in public office who hold positions because of their backing and the interest of those who privately fund their efforts.  You show me a politician who will debate with the common man over his decisions in office from their constituency and I’ll show you a person who is not afraid of what the public outside of his state or district thinks, and I’ll be able to show you someone with moral fiber and real substance.

The problem of proper leadership regardless of whether we’re talking about politics or not goes back to the problem of having poor role models due to the lack of the presence of the father in the household.  This is an epidemic that plagues all colors, all races, all ethnicities and all religions. 

Whether your father passed on like mine did, or you grew up with a dead beat dad who ran out on your family or your father was incarcerated for bad decisions he made, we can all unite under the same banner of neglect.

I can only speak here about the loss of a father on a boy because that’s what I have experience with.  When a boy loses his daddy or if a boy has a piece of trash for a father he grows up with a major disadvantage starting out in life.

When my father passed at the age of forty-five from a massive heart attack it left me questioning every aspect of life, from what I will do as an adult to how to shave and I was only eleven with a whole lifetime of similar questions ahead of me.  These questions remain unanswered until someone comes along of value to answer them for you with or without you being aware of their presence and their timing in your life.

As a young kid without a dad I looked to other men to fill that void, not realizing this as a kid I sometimes looked in the wrong places because I didn’t know better.  I was scared, lost and hoping so much for a man to take me under his wing and teach me the way of the world.  I desperately wanted someone to take a vested interest in me and to mentor me in a way that someday I could be proud to pass on.

That’s the problem with so many kids today, they’re reaching out to the wrong people for advice, they’re looking to rappers and gangsters and professional athletes to explain their existence to them.  The problem with looking up to a public figure instead of a local man is that you hold this person or persons to be above others and unequal in stature.  So what happens when a young boy sees his favorite basketball player doing drugs? I’ll tell you what, unknowingly he decides it’s okay for him to try drugs as well.  If that same kid had a father figure who was present in his life that was worth anything, that kid would see this man as his hero and his ruler of success, the athlete would be what he was supposed to be all along, someone who’s doing something that’s unique and cool and when the child sees the athlete do something negative, that kid would be able to base his opinion on what he knew to be true because of the value he holds in his true role model.

Single mother’s out there I implore you, please do not entertain the thought of being with a man that is not a shining example for your son.  If you date a loser you’re saying to your son that his father was lowly and that this new person in your life is not good enough for your son to trust.  I say this with absolute certainty in the matter; I speak from first-hand experience.  Be very cautious who you allow your children to be around because a kid will naturally emulate the person you bring home to be part of your family.

My mother has remarried twice since my father and I have seen how a poor choice by her affected my life and eventually hers as well.  I had no respect for her first husband after my father because he didn’t command respect with love, he demanded it with fear and he forced respect by the volume of his voice and the threats of his words.  This is not a knock to my mother in the slightest because she’s a saint in my eyes, it’s just a warning to all single mothers out there that you need to be absolutely sure the man you’re falling in love with is worth the praise and affection of your kids.

The truth is, your son won’t really like the men you date or the man you marry right away unless he is a real role model, a leader among men, and someone who loves you unconditionally.  This doesn’t mean he has to own a company or be a successful business man, it simply means that the man you bring around your son needs to be a man you’re not settling for but someone you’re choosing to be a potential mentor for your child. 

As I get older I can appreciate more the life of a single mother and the hard times you go through in trying to keep a household together while working all the time.  I can appreciate the fact that you need your own life and a life away from your kids, but the day you bring that other life home with you and your kids meet this significant other their receptors start running wide open and you better be sure this person you’re bringing into their life is worthy of their love and affection. 

I can speak to this effect because unlike the first man my mother married after my father, my second step-father and current role model is a man of upright character and integrity.  He’s not a man to boast or beat his chest, he’s a man that I can look up to and learn from and because of this fact I don’t feel like I have to replace the memory of my father with the reality of my step-father, actually it’s quite the contrary.  Because my current step-father is such a solid man I can see parts of what I wish my father was in him.

As a mother you have to be very sure of the character of the man you bring around your son, you could lose your child’s respect forever or you can provide him with a solid foundation to build on.

In a world where divorce is becoming the regular and couples who stay together is the oddity, it is naturally becoming a tougher climate to raise a strong leader in your son.  If you do choose to separate or divorce that is your decision, and you’ll receive no judgment from me ever, but please do so in an amicable way where both parties are civil, the fallout from a bad divorce will scar your son for many years to come.

Boys who go through a bad divorce will have anger issues that go far beyond hitting someone on a playground; they’ll have issues later in life when they start a family of their own.

If you fall out of love with your husband or wife, state that as the reason you want a split.  Try to work through your issues and if at the end of the day you really want out don’t let that spill over into your kids life.

A young boy who sees his father yell at his mother and vice versa is a boy who will yell at his future spouse too.

I have a warning for you men out there who might be reading this, if you decide to cheat on your wife you need to know this… you’re not just cheating on her but you’re cheating on your family as well, you’re telling your son and daughter it’s okay to sleep around one day and you’re showing your kids you have no moral fiber and are lacking in character.

As I have grown into a man I understand the urges people have and I can sympathize with acting out on those urges but I also know in every situation we have a choice to make.  At the end of the day if you decide to cheat on your spouse, it’s your choice and yours alone but a choice that everyone involved has to bear the weight of.

Men, if you’re unhappy with your situation I beg you to talk openly about what’s affecting you, speak candidly with your significant other and work on the problems at hand and those under the surface.  An open line of conversation can work miracles to relieve stress on a road blocked relationship.

Having said what I have so far I want get back to the root of this chapter, boys needing proper male role models in their life, proper fathers or significant father figures with their heads attached securely to their shoulders and their feet planted firmly in the ground. 

Divorce and death will affect most families in America and around the world, sometimes both are totally unavoidable, but what’s not unavoidable is what you do after each has occurred.  The choice to rebuild a family with the right building blocks is up to you, you are no longer a victim once the marriage is over or once the man has passed on or left, you’re only a victim in the aftermath if you allow yourself to be.

If we as people continue to allow our youth to grow up without proper role models, the fate of our very existence could be in jeopardy.

As a nation we can sit back and point the blame at the failure of youth on everyone else but ourselves, but what good did pointing blame ever do?

We have to look at ourselves as individuals who can be a positive change in some young person’s life.  If we continue on the path of letting children grow up fatherless we will have failed our generation in a large way.  

We will have contributed to the delinquency of future generations and the tide will continue to wash up on shore empty of beauty.

This LOAFS dilemma has repercussions that will resonate into the future and permeate everyone's’ way of life because there will come a day when our youth have no direction except the one they happen upon from their popular media and from television.  We need to stand united as people on this issue and get behind organizations that look to foster a sense of purpose for our young ones.  No child should go without a positive role model, not in this great nation where we have almost unlimited resources.

In the following chapters I’ll highlight different men who I learned from, I’ll talk about why they are special for the purpose of this book but more importantly why they are special for the progression of mankind.

The truth of the matter is that men like the ones I’ll describe can be found in every society, where people are, so is goodness, kindness, hard work, determination, and so many other positive attributes that need to be passed on.

My goal in life is to set up an organization called “Finding a Father” that fosters the growth and development of young men so their life will mean something to humanity and not just be a future burden.  I want to hire returning military personal and retired men from all backgrounds to directly mentor the progress of children from kindergarten until high school graduation.  I want these two categories of men as well as other fit candidates to get involved in boys’ life in every aspect, from promoting love and acceptance at an early age to support through their schooling and in athletics and other extracurricular activities.  I want these men to be their Boy Scout leaders and their coaches and the friends, but more importantly I want these men to bring their talents and the wisdom that come along with them to the kid’s life which they have been put in connection with.

This dream I have will be a reality, but it will need your help and support.  I plan on taking half of the proceeds from this book and half of all my speaking engagements as a result of this book, as well as my personal investments and future fundraising activities as a sponsoring income to get this non-profit rolling.  I want to be able to give men and boys a real purpose in life beyond fending for themselves.  We should give back to our community in the form of building future leaders for our communities giving us the ability to thrive and be safe. 

The reality of the matter is that there are quality men all around us, I think the problem with most men is there are no real incentives for the everyday unsung hero to step up to the plate, mainly because they’re too bogged down with making a living and the stresses that come along with that.  So I want to be able to pay these men so they can thrive in their life away from work but also have added motivation to give back to our children so no kid grows up not knowing what it means to be a man.

We can revisit this dream of mine in a later chapter, for now I need to start wrapping up my thoughts on the Lack-Of-A-Father-Syndrome.

I honestly believe at the root of most problems in America we can find a man who lost his way somewhere in his growing process due to the lack of a proper role-model and father figure. I want to tell you one story as the nightcap to this chapter…

                

After leaving Fork Union Military Academy I accepted a nomination to the United States Air Force Academy.  The real reason I was able to get in is because I was a really good basketball player and I was going to be playing ball for them.  I worked my entire life for a basketball scholarship and at the end of the day I was able to turn many schools down and take the scholarship out west, it was a dream come true.  When I got to the school I freaked out, I wasn’t prepared for the torture that was unfolding before me, it wasn’t actual torture but at the time I wasn’t strong enough mentally to push through.  About seven weeks in I decided I was going to leave and do anything else but spend another day there.  When I left the academy and was on a flight home I was called by Marshall University and they offered me a scholarship for their team.  I jumped at the offer because I didn’t know what else to do.  Before I knew it I was in Huntington, West Virginia giving it my all for a coach I didn’t like and a program that I was not suited for.  After my freshman year was over I decided I no longer wanted to play basketball.  

The journey ended well with me finishing school at yet another institution closer to home but I always look back on those decisions and wonder how life would have been different had I decided to stay.  I regret nothing in life but I still wonder about outcomes sometimes.  When I chose to leave both the Air Force Academy and Marshall I did so because I thought I was alone, and maybe I was, but the point is I didn’t feel like I had someone in my corner that had my back.  If I would have had a man I could call that said “Mason, I know you, I love, and you can do this!” the chances I would have stayed would have been high.  Because of those decisions I made I never want any boy in this nation to feel alone again.  I feel charged by those events to make sure children all across America have someone in their corner that has their back.  The simple end to that story was I let fear set in throughout my decision making process, but I’m living proof that fear can be pushed aside and Love can live in a man.  I was a child of divorce, a fatherless child, a boy who desperately needed someone to kick me in the butt, but alas, I had no one I thought filled that role.  Never again will I make that assumption because looking back I had all sorts of men that I believe the creator placed in my path that could have filled that role, unfortunately none of those men were with me for years before my choices.  I want the boys of America and around the world to know there is a man in their life who has their best intentions in mind because of the character and quality that they possess in themselves.  This blog and eventually this book will aim to give mothers, boys, and the potential father figures the tools needed to never let another young men in their lives to slip through the cracks of feeling alone again.

Introducing You, to Me and My Brain

The purpose of this Blog is to share with you my life story of divorce, a broken family unit, the loss of a parent, the men who were my saving grace, the lessons I have learned as a result and how to set goals and believe in yourself for the purpose of growth that some might gain from this writing.  For each blog there will be a link to my YouTube page for further insight on each post.

YouTube:  Introducing FINDING A FATHER

Here we go!

Introducing You, to Me and My Brain

My name is Mason Burks Wooldridge, I include my middle name because it’s my Granny’s family name and she will definitely smile when she sees it in here.

As I write this I’m currently a twenty-nine year old man and yes, I still worry about what my grandmother thinks of me!

I was born on the first of August, nineteen-eighty-four, in Baltimore, Maryland, at Saint Mary’s Hospital and I was a large baby at eight pounds and ten ounces.

Like most kids in America, I grew up in a pretty normal household.  Both of my parents worked, my father held different jobs during my early years and my mother was mostly an active nurse.

I’ll save you the boring details about how cute of a baby I was, how I was an early walker, and about how I talked at an early age; for all of our sake we’ll jump straight to where I am currently while writing this blog.

I’m twenty-nine years young and I’m still cute, a fast learner, and the owner of a great jump-shot. 

I think it’s safe to say that I have a high opinion of myself and hopefully throughout this blog you’ll understand why and you too will learn to love yourself like I do my own being.  There is one thing I have to state before moving any farther: In order to love anyone else, you must first learn to love yourself, and be proud of who you are and how that relates to everyone around you; for any progress to be made in the self-improvement landscape you have to know just who it is that's taking the first step.

The truth of life for me is that Love is the only thing there is guiding this big and beautiful universe.  If you adhere to the teachings of many of the world’s greatest religions you have been taught that there are warring parties that are vying for your soul, but I beg to differ.  Let’s say for instance you’re a Christian and you believe in God and the Devil, and you have been taught to believe that God created everyone out of pure love but the devil has been given free range over the Earth, to turn as many of us as possible into sinners, and to aid in the devil’s effort we’re also supposed to just digest that we’re born into sin from the beginning.  Wrong! Already we find ourselves at a cross road in trying to understand who it is we are and what we believe.  If you truly believe in an all-powerful God, one that it omnipresent and all-knowing, then it doesn’t jive well with the argument that the devil is waiting around the corner to trick you into sinning away your soul - Bear with me for just a second and we’ll get back to meaning for this opening thought - If you believe there is a God and that he/she created you and knew all that was in store for you and loved you as he/she loves him/herself, then why would he/she ever put us in a situation that would lead us anywhere then back to the source when it’s all said and done?  God did not create one thing and not the next, God does not have his hand on the wheel only some of the time, she has her hand on the wheel all of the time.  The truth of the matter is, grace is not something we earn by saying a vow or by doing good works, it’s something that was given to everyone on this planet and beyond, simply by the act of being born.  Love is not earned by the acts of our hands, it’s fostered and given away freely by simply being able to use our hands.  There is no evil being roaming the planet trying to steal you away from God, because if there was, that means God created you and me without ever really loving us in the first place.  We don’t earn the Creator’s love; we are the Creator’s love.  And if God did create us only for our souls to potentially burn in the fiery pits of hell, then Love was not present as the basis of our creation, and if love was not present then, God, was not present.

Throughout this entire blog I plan on throwing out ideas like this to get you thinking.  That’s why we’re here on this earth, too think, then act on what we’ve been thinking about.  In fact, the entirety of life is built around this cycle of thinking from it spawns creation; all we do is bound by creation and found tied to it; so start thinking about things: 

First, there’s a thought about something or someone, our perception of that initial thought comes from our surroundings and our upbringing, we’re conditioned to think certain ways because we are a product at times of the environment we grew up in.  The beautiful thing though is every thought that enters our brain can be altered to fit the model of the world we’re living in or desire to live within.  We’re not slaves as adults to the thoughts of our youth; we’re only slaves to our current thoughts if we choose not to change the environment that sponsors these thoughts. 

So, first we see we have the thought, next comes the action.  Some believe it’s a three stage process, thought then word then the deed, this idea works as well but can be shown as flawed - for after every thought we must take action to say our intention out loud, but you don’t always have to say your thought to make it a reality.  If I think I want a steak for dinner I don’t need to tell anyone, I only need to go get a steak from the freezer and cook it.  So I beg to differ that we need thought then word then action for the process of creation to take place.  I think the meshing of both ideals can work perfectly in the creation process. 

Those that would argue against the point I just made would say that the word portion of creation is essential when you want to change who you are or your circumstances.  But I would argue that point as well from a different angle because if I decide I want to be a batter person I don’t need to say out loud “I want to be a better person,” I simply set out a new path for myself to follow and then walk it (but at some point our words will naturally change).  The expression “actions speak louder than words” comes to mind to help illustrate my thinking here.

All of life is based around the fact that we all have a choice to be who we want to be, where we want to be, and to what degree we want to be anything.  All of life is part of this creation process.  In every situation we have a choice, the very fact that we are in any situation to start with is because of a choice we made prior to arriving at our present destination.  I believe we even choose before coming back to this life where in the world we want to be, and for each person that’s as different as how you take your coffee in the morning; consequently this is one way of explaining our inherent similarities even within our endless differences. 

My point in going off on this tangent was to show that no matter where life takes you, no matter what horrible circumstances you find yourself in you can choose to be or to do something else.  Make no mistake when I say this, choices do not always lead to success or happiness, and sometimes choices are downright hard to make, but because we have some sort of a choice in all matters, we have the ability to change our circumstances or how we intend to view them.  Even life on this earth is a choice, and one you can decide to end if you so choose, and it’s not up to me to judge that choice, although I would strongly urge you to reconsider self-harm because maybe you haven’t realized yet that you actually do have other options.  So if we have the semi-choice to die when we want, why would we also not have the choice to live when we want?

So as I sit here as a twenty-nine year old college graduate, former teacher, former div. 1 athlete, as I sit here being a brother and a cousin, a nephew and a son, all those things considered, I still sit here with a choice whether to write these thoughts down or not.  This blog will take some time to complete and I could just as easily decide I don’t want to do it; I’d rather watch a movie or decide my life has been too hard and I just don’t feel like it… but what if these words save a life? Or keep a family together? Or better yet, start a revolution of love and freedom? 

I’m not saying they’ll do any of that, but what if they could one day and I chose not to write them because at twenty-nine I allowed fear to motivate my intentions, and forgot love was all there really was in this world.  We don’t know to what degree our words and deeds will inspire, we only have our motivation going in to our actions – our intentions - and if you can take an honest look into your motivation and make choices based on the best possible outcome, then I can live with the idea that someday these words could unite a family, save a marriage, or even start a movement towards more love on a world-wide scale.  If you dream small you will have small results. 

What you wish to have for yourself you need to give to another; if you want more love in your life, give more love.  Dissect your motivations and you’ll start to better understand why you find yourself in your present environment.

The day I realized that love was all there really was in this world was the day I was able to truly love myself for the first time.  That day changed my life forever because I realized I was worthy of love, and consequently knew everyone else was worthy of this beautiful gift of love as well.  There’s unity in understanding this principal, there’s strength in acknowledging your self-worth and that of others, and what you’ll find once you do is that tolerance for others becomes the normal and that grace and the gift to make choices without supreme judgment from the creator go hand in hand. 

Many of you are probably saying to yourself, “yeah well, what about all of the bad stuff that happens in this world?” and my rebuttal would be: why does it have to happen?  We have chosen as people in this world to let it happen to an extent… that’s why!  Famine, disease, violence, the list goes on and on…  all of the world’s problems could be solved if we just understood the basic principle of life that Love is all there is and there’s enough to go around.  Those who commit crimes have made the choice that best fits their needs at the time.  Those who oppress the poor and needy have decided and made the choice to do so because along the way somewhere they were not properly cared for.  This lack of care can lead to fear and fear can be a strong motivator.  But if you believe everything boils down to this idea of love being all there really is then you know fear is only an illusion, which means it’s something that can be overcome with a different perspective. 

Fear is not an essential part of life; be careful not confuse fear with caution.  When we were children did we not reach for the hot eye on a stove?  We did so because we didn’t have fear in our hearts; there was no sign of fear in our hand reaching for the flame… Fear became real when our parents or providers quickly ran to our aid and yelled at us never to touch the stove top again.  What’s the worst that would have happened if we touched it?  We would have burned our finger and decided not to touch it again on our own, lesson learned… caution instead of fear.  Fear was introduced early in our lives as a means of control.  Parents I beg you, help your children learn life’s lessons in an open and loving way.  Be open to your children making mistakes and be there for them when they need guidance, but be there with love as the motivator so fear will not dominate their life.  Fear not that you will say or do the wrong thing, move with love as a guide and it won’t matter how you say or do things to your children, it will be a blessing that you simply do.

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I’ve lived all over the place, mainly in the United States but also abroad.  I went to a private, military boarding school called Fork Union Military Academy, throughout middle and high school, along with a post-graduate year for the purpose of getting a basketball scholarship.  I was only able to attend the school because my father died when I was eleven and his social security paid for my education.  My parents divorced when I was seven and both re-married when I was nine.  The majority of this book is based around me looking back, now as an adult, as to why everything happened how it did and who the key players were along the way.  I graduated from college with a degree in religious studies, which should be better described as world religions.  I was a rare student to the degree not that I was a genius or the most efficient note taker, but I was a rare student because I enjoyed learning and still do today.  I must have switched majors five times before the last one stuck.  As a young college student I had the desire to be a preacher at times and thought about life post undergrad in seminary, but that always seemed to take a back seat to other desires because I knew deep down that I didn’t believe in a lot of the gospel that I grew up in church learning. 

When I came across other religions in my studies I found common denominators in most and it struck me as strange that I had been told my whole life that my salvation was only found in one way and through one source, but now I see so many others out there who see life through so many different eyes.  I allowed myself to be open to the teachings of great philosophers from all over the world and I began to understand that most of religion was inspired by loving intent but over time became diluted by the fear that people wouldn’t believe what they believe and thusly they would lose control of the masses.  So religion a lot of times, over time, have gotten away from their roots of love and acceptance and instead have been replaced with hell-fire and condemnation if you waiver from the mainstream belief structures.  In short, if you don’t believe what a book tells then you’re wrong! I, however, choose not to believe that, instead I choose to believe that the original intentions of these great men over time who came to this earth to spread a message of love and togetherness is what’s most importance, not the part where I’m judged for not doing what a book says and believing what other men want me to believe.  I look at texts and think about them in the terms of how can this apply to my life and how can I use what I’m reading to better understand who I am and consequently, better the lives of those around me.  I’ve learned to trust my experiences as guiding pages from a yet unfinished book to remind me how to treat people, and to teach me how to be a good person so that others may have a different yet equal light to guide their path.  I’m not promoting here to give up on what you’ve been taught or what works for you, I’m only promoting the idea of finding out what it is that genuinely speaks to you as truth.

The truth about life, the way I see it is as follows: We are all here on this earth for one real purpose, and that purpose is to experience all that life has to offer and to connect with as many individuals as possible.  By doing so you’ll realize that our opportunities are endless and that we are all of the same essence; we may all appear separate but we’re all on an equal journey to the same place… a journey to unity with the source from which we came.  If we all set out from the same place to travel around the world and then back to where we started, we would all choose different paths to get back, but we would all arrive where we started eventually.  Just because I choose to travel by air and you by sea doesn’t make my journey any better than yours… so you see, in life like in our choices we’re seemingly separate but yet equal in our finished product. 

The secret to the meaning of life is found right here; we are all the body of the creator, we are all experiencing what we see as different lives but what from a different angle is seen as the unity of the whole.  It may appear as if we’re apart but guess what, we’re not.  Every day we have people affect us in a myriad of ways and every day we affect those around us whether we know them or not, in equal and yet opposite ways.  If I run into you in the street and give you a dirty look, it could ruin your day or it could make you feel pity on me and cause you to show more love to the next passer bye, either way my existence was directly related to you having the choice as to how you’ll greet the next person.  Our meeting in the street wasn’t by happenstance, it was in order to give you the ability to experience who you are and who I am and who God is in the space in between. 

We are all here on this earth living out our lives so that everyone else on earth can be doing the very same thing; we are the body for the Creator’s experience of who the Creator is.  We have the choice as a collective body of people to live in a state of unity and togetherness or to continue to believe we’re completely separate and an anomaly within the grand scheme of the universe.  The choice, like grace, is ours to realize or take for granted.

We can do amazing things if we choose to; if we choose to smile when we pass each other, if we choose not to promote war and famine, or if we decide to help a stranger in need as opposed to look the other way etc.  We alone have the choice to be who we want to be and the choice to make our life the life we want it to be, this is the very essence of the rest of this blog.  Choice is the meat of my writing here, and if we can understand that life is a choice then we can begin to understand that what has happened to us in our past can be seen as an opportunity and not a curse.

I plan on sharing with you the experiences of my life and why I believe they happened.  Hopefully by me sharing it can help someone better understand why their life has had to be the way it is.

I’ll be introducing you to a hand full of people who were part of my life and that taught me lessons along the way, which at the time I may not have picked up on but as an adult I can be thankful for.  Were it not for the men you’ll read about in these pages I would not be the person I am today, and if I was not the man I am today I would not be writing this book, and possibly someone out there would not benefit from my story. 

You see, we’re all connected whether we realize it or not, for my experiences will soon become your experiences, within these pages you’ll hear me do my best to explain the life I’ve lived, and from reading these pages you’ll be better equipped to understand that you have the power to open your eyes and achieve the success you desire, and that you have the love needed to be the change in the world you so desperately deserve.

My goal for this blog, my deepest wish for the reader, is that he or she upon finishing will be able to love themselves more and understand that it’s their choice how to move on with their life.  I want you, the reader, to be at a place of understanding that we’re all in this thing called life together, and that hope for a better life really is a choice left up for us to make or to not make. 

Please open your hearts and minds to the pages that will follow as I have opened mine for the words that will fill them.